Procrastination

G'day Zeitgeisters,

When I get to work in the morning, I check my email and my voicemail. Adorably my voicemail usually has one or two hangups (as do we all). Those of you who feel a little nervous about speaking to my voicemail – you need to get over it – I don’t know who you are or what you want if you don’t tell me. And you know me, there’s no guarantee that I’d do anything even if I did get the message.

That’s PRO-CRAS-TIN-ATION.

I get between twenty and forty emails daily. Many of which are of the “Cheap Rolexes!” or “V1-agra without a prescription!” variety. Occasionally, I’ll stop to admire an amusing pseudonym; Ratchet A. Twine or Prakesh Digweed will want to sell me a Tag Heur or supply me with Canadian C1-alis, but dammit, at least those guys have memorable monikers, they deserve a moment of my precious time.

By now, twenty-minutes have elapsed and I still haven’t really started work.

That’s Procrastination. (See where this is going, now?)

By the way, Boss, if you’re reading this, I hope you understand that I am not really this work-shy fella Mr Trivia, I only play him in the Blogosphere.

Let’s not discuss the whys of Procrastination just yet. Let’s return to this with the full force of pop psychology after we’ve researched a few more episodes of Dr Phil. Let’s leave it for a while (y-e-e-e-s-s) and I’ll merely state for the record that I have been known to procrastinate.

Right now I am writing a script for a local awards ceremony; only I am not doing that at this very minute, because I am writing this blog entry. The script is half-done and I am afraid it might be half-baked. There are topical gags and snappy one-liners and all the bizzo one usually associates with the rather conservative world of award-show-humour. But is it funny?

Can’t tell. No man is an island nor an audience. I’ll let youse know in a couple of weeks how it all went down.

If I get around to it.

Elevate the Insignificant

Mr Trivia

Photograph is of the Unfinished Gate at Persepolis in modern-day Iran. It is provided courtesy of www.livius.org

And You're Back in the Room

Hi Zeitgeisters,

I am a lazy person.

How lazy are you Mr Trivia?

I can’t be bothered buying furniture, whitegoods, cutlery or crockery so I rent a furnished and fitted apartment in South Perth.

Okay, not a snappy punchline. Not even funny, but it’s true. I had to move to my present address because my last place (approximately three blocks West from here) was sold. My former landlord had another place for the same rent and he became my current landlord.

Last night I was tidying up and I realised that I have one of those “spatula-shaped” cheese slicers. Y’know, you run it over the surface of the cheese and a perfect slice curls off the top. Maybe it’s a butter curler or it could be an ice cream shaver. Whatever it is, I got one. I also have a jug for fruit juice and about twice the ice cube trays I thought I had.

So like some dork, I have discovered a whole new Narnia Universe of utensils and vessels at the backs of cupboards and drawers, even though I’ve lived here now for nearly seven weeks.

Lazy, like I said. And also unobservant. (And a Capricorn, too, if that’s sounds good. Although my single status is legal rather than actual. I don ‘t live with my partner Miss Pink, but I’ll open up that can of Spam in a later blog.)

The unobservant thing has plagued me all my life. When I was a boy scout in the ‘80s we used to play this observation game that the Boy Scouts’ founder, Sir Robert Baden-Powel, went on about in his ground-breaking tome, Scouting for Boys.

It’s called Kim’s Game and it’s named after a Rudyard Kipling character called Disco Murray (kidding.) The game works this way. You arrange a dozen or so small items on a tray. You get the players to concentrate on the tray for about thirty seconds. Then you cover the tray and get the players to write down what the objects are. The brain tends to remember about five things easily. So most people only remember ten or so of the items.

That probably makes the 1980s sound a little dull for you younger readers. Perhaps if I explain that this usually happened to a blasting soundtrack that included New Order, Flock of Seagulls and Cheap Trick, then it might seem more fun.

I was only average at Disco Murray’s Game. And the older I get, the less observant I become. In my mid- 20s I went to a therapist for about two and a half years. One day near the end of a session I noticed a beautiful floor to ceiling bookcase at the back of his office. I asked him when he had it put in. He said it had always been there for as long as I had been seeing him. “So you’re finally really here in the room,” he said in that inscrutable way psychologists have.

He had a point. I was always in my own bubble when I went in there. Psychologists tend to cost a lot, so you tend to load up on exciting neuroses and “me” tidbits before a session to make sure you get your money’s worth. We had nearly come to the end of all our sessions and so I was more free to take in my surroundings.

Of course, Jeff (who is no longer with us), might have been taking the piss. Maybe the bookcase was put in three days before I asked my question. Too late to find out now. I remember when he died, I had a definite sense of, “So who am I going to tell stuff to?” Charmingly, my first thought was for myself.

It’s still a problem. Where is there for me to ramble on about inconsequential stuff that happens? I need somewhere that I can show photographs of my former apartment with its truly awful fruit-salad curtain that no furniture could be matched to. It’s a tough one. I’ll have to mull it over.

Elevate the Insignificant

Mr Trivia

Celebrating Conrad Janis

Hi Zeitgeisters,

Conrad Janis is best known the world over for the role of bald, bow-tie wearing, Fred McConnell (Mindy’s father) in the worldwide hit sitcom MORK AND MINDY (1978-82). He has appeared in numerous other television series over the years such as DIAGNOSIS MURDER and FRASIER and is also a well-regarded jazz trombonist (Why not search for his music on the ‘net? Buy it, if you’re into jazz or tromboning.)

Conrad’s Fred McConnell was given very few truly comic lines and in episode after episode was encouraged to blast through these with the sarcasm dialled up high (think Darren 2 from BEWITCHED). But despite all this he made an important contribution to the show. This became evident after Fred was removed from the series for all of season 2. He was returned from season 3.

Conrad Janis celebrated his 78th birthday a week ago (11th February) so let us celebrate his Fredness and his jazz stylings.

Elevate the Insignificant

Mr Trivia

Shoes Life

Hail Zeitgeisters,

Sometimes bad shows will throw up good lines. I was watching a new episode of LAS VEGAS on the Free-2-Air. Don’t know why. I have no excuses. Was it some fugitive Cheryl Ladd infatuation left over from my 70s boyhood? Nope. My favourite Charlie’s Angel was Tanya Roberts.

Did I think James Caan was going to rediscover his KILLER ELITE persona and whip out some pumping semi-automatic PECKINPAH-style firearm action and shoot everyone down? Nope. This blog doesn’t condone such shenanigans no-how.

I had no good reason apart from sheer potato-couchiness for not flipping the channel to discover a gem of broadcasting that would expand my mind as it cleaned my insides.

Thus I was stayed there slack-jawed with incipient moronic drool as the characters of Danny McCoy and Mike Cannon (love those names) decided who should enter the hotel suite of scary new casino boss Monica Mancuso. Danny is Mike’s superior and Mike kept coming up with pathetic reasons why Danny was the more appropriate choice to go through the door until Danny said, “Are you trying to pull lower rank on me?”

I think I might have attempted something similar in my working life before. Except not in a Vegas or casino-style environment. Although like Cannon and McCoy, I do have a cool name (ie Mr Trivia).

TO BE CONTINUED NEWS:

Everyone (that is to say no-one), has been asking about my band “To Be Continued”. After doing a little more research on Imelda Marcos, the First Lady of Phillipines’ former dictator the late Ferdinand Marcos, I was reminded of how crap they both were. So I’m scrapping all references to her and her shoe fetish (see earlier February Posts) and am searching for a new title for the album and a new cover image.

Meanwhile here are some lines I penned moments ago for a song from the new untitled album. I think I’ll call it SAD ABOUT SADNESS

Verse:

Tears well in my eyes
They fill a well with water
I remember every flower
And icy Coke I bought her.

Grief rises in my heart
I don’t think I can hack it
I remember words of love
Over a burger packet

Chorus:

Sad, sad, unhappy about sadness.
Sad, sad, unhappy about sadness.
Always sad, sad, sad in my sadness.
Never glad or happy about sadness.

It’s a work in progress, friends. I’ll bring you more as I write. One shouldn’t rush these things, though.

Elevate the Insignificant

Mr Trivia

Poker Playing Dogs

Hail Zeitgeisters,

I have been literally swamped by people asking me what Poker Playing Dogs? since the last post.

Okay, no one has asked me about them at all.

But in case you were thinking about asking, here's the deal.

The Poker Playing Dogs, as we usually think of them, were apparently painted as calendar art by CM Coolidge in the U.S. in the 1920s. The most famous of these is "A Friend In Need" (pictured).

If you wish to know more, then Google it, my friend, like I did.

Elevate the Insignificant

Mr Trivia

Stone Cold Art

Hail Zeitgeisters,

Cast your mind back to the last time you read Quotations from Chairman Mao Tsetung (the so-called “Little Red Book”).

Mao wrote the following: “The socialist system will eventually replace the capitalist system; this is an objective law independent of man’s will. However much the reactionaries try to hold back the wheel of history, sooner or later revolution will take place and will inevitably triumph.”

And he probably couldn’t pick a Melbourne Cup winner either. The great thing about Gurus, Pundits or Rabble-Rousers is that they are so plausible. They know that if one says practically anything with enough authority, someone will believe, get on board, enlist in the cause.

Mao didn’t have a reputation as a sculptor either (although the late actor Anthony Quinn did). As awkward as this seems, I am about to segue.

When I need some down-time from my band, “To Be Continued” (see last post) I like to sculpt art. Sure, sometimes it’s only whittling a stick on my back porch, but near enough, I say.

I may soon have the readies together to order a half ton block of marble. I have two thoughts about what to sculpt. For quite a few years I dreamt of doing a 3D portrayal of the famous “poker playing dogs” of 20th Century folklore. Lately, I have dreamt that I might create a likeness of Sir Paul McCartney of Beatles fame.

I’ll get back to you as soon as I know.

Until then, please enjoy the photograph of this particularly boxy sculpture that has been exhibited outside of the Western Australian Art Gallery for the last twenty years or so.
Name and artist are unknown to me.

I’ll get back to you as soon as I know.

Elevate the Insignificant,

Mr Trivia

Issue A Denial

Hi Zeitgeisters,

Just saw a movie on the old free-to-air telly (if I call it that, people think I have cable) called PLAY BY HEART. It asked me to believe that Sean Connery and Gena Rowlands were the parents of three daughters, Madeleine Stowe, Gillian Anderson and Angelina Jolie. And these daughters hooked up with Denis Quaid, Jon Stewart and Ryan Philippe respectively. I couldn’t accept this all-star family for even a nano-second. I can barely believe those people comfortably getting through the entrée at a dinner party.

In what Universe can Stowe, Anderson and Jolie be related? It’s idiotic.

Hmmm, they’re actors you say? And it’s only a movie. And we have to accept the casting of unrelated actors as family members every time we see a film? Good point. (Although one of the few good things about ED-TV was casting Woody Harrelson and Matthew Mcconaughey as brothers. You bought it.)

Which brings me to this. As Chili Palmer turned his back on the evil world of the movie business for the wholesome world of the music business (in BE COOL the sequel to GET SHORTY), so must I.

As you all know, I’ve been in a concept band for some years now. We have been called many things (e.g. “Charge D’Affair”, “Bonded Courier” and “Envelope Franking Machine”) but for now, our working title is “To Be Continued”.

The mission of the next month or so is to create a new sound. Something that will get the kids dancing in the streets while keeping Granny’s toes tapping when she picks up the drycleaning for her daughter who is trying to move from her job in Real Estate to becoming a Life Coach. Maybe that’s too much detail.

You know what I’m talking about, don’t ya?. Maroon F---ing 5. For reasons unknown to science, Maroon F---ing 5 managed to transcend all age barriers with their album “Songs For Freaking Jane” (don’t try putting that through a search engine, I added “freaking”).

So I want to co-opt that wheedling annoying safe pop sound for the new band (see last post re:plagiarism) and shift millions of units of our debut album, “What is it with Women and Shoes?” I’ve even got the the cover image picked out. An old news photo of the former First Lady of the Phillipines, Imelda Marcos’s famous wardrobe of 3000 pairs of shoes.

I’m working on a couple of songs right now. One is called “Issue A Denial” which refers to my theory that often it’s better to issue a bogus denial for something one didn’t do, rather than putting out a press release. Thus, “Mr Trivia denies that his new album “What is it with Women And Shoes?” contains satanic lyrics opposing the confirmation of Samuel Alito to the US Supreme Court” - is more likely to get “To Be Continued” the attention we crave, than a straight forward media release, will.

Stayed tuned people. And get your iPods ready.

Elevate the Insignificant

Mr Trivia

Hail to Thee

Just flying through, Zeitgeisters, on my way to empty out my storage locker down at the Koala Facility in O'Connor. (Will I get my $90 Australian back?). The locker is empty, the only thing of mine down there, is the padlock I bought to keep people from wandering inside to check out the dusty concrete floor.

Still, locking things is MOST important. If we forget that, we descend to living like lemurs or baboons. And I'm not talking cute, anthropomorphic, Disney-esque primates either (Think: LION KING, then forget it and the Elton John soundtrack).

Time only to say Hail to Thee. I'm new here as you can see. Don't have anything much deeper to offer than greetings or salutations at the moment. Or maybe ever...

I, like many of us in the Blogosphere often have sweet F--- A-- to say, but I think saying it with style is a statement in itself. As Paris Hilton might utter, "That's Hot". Apparently that's her trademark phrase.

Those of you who recall hearing those two and half words before Ms Hilton "trademarked" them should really have put your money down first, eh? Easy enough to invent the light bulb after Edison showed us how. Or to quote Homer Simpson: "I don't know, Herb, why don't you take an existing invention and put a clock in it?"

Which is to say, Invention is difficult; Re-invention is easier and Plagiarism is easiest of all.

Shoot! My time is almost up. Just like to highlight the following; the remade movie Rollerball is on free-to-air telly in Perth tonite. Chris Klein and LL Cool J, together again for the first time! Those suits sure know how to cast a picture!

I'd like to end with some words I heard last night while watching the Grammys telecast. I was washing dishes at the time so I don't have every nuance, but bear with me.

Jay Z and Linkin Park won a Best Rap/Sung Collaboration Grammy for their Numb/Encore mash-up. Apparently it came together in a beautifully organic fashion when MTV went to Jay Z and suggested he find someone to a mash-up with. The commercially shrewd and million-selling Jay Z chose the million-selling Linkin Park as the partner for this arranged marriage. Exciting, no?

The Linkin Park guy (don't know his name - my back was to the TV) ended by thanking, "Everyone in the management and legal teams that made this record happen - because it was nightmare."

Ah, musicians complaining about the legal logistics of creating an award-winning hit recording. It's like the rough and ready days of Punk are back! or not.

Elevate the Insignificant

Mr Trivia