Ultra Extreme Makeover

Pathetic and irrelevant attempt to photoshop Asimo, the cute Honda

Robot, into an image of the historic city of Fremantle, W.Australia.

Zeitgeisters,
If you’ve ever watched the US television show Extreme Makeover, then you know the drill (and the bone-saw). The idea is that people ranging from the physically dowdy to the literally deformed are given major cosmetic surgery to their faces and bodies. Mostly the team of doctors and trainers are fixing the damage done by gravity, bad diets and ultra violet light. Occasionally the recipient does seem to need the procedure to change the quality of their life.

I am not attracted to the idea of a liposuction, a brow lift or Da Vinci Veneers. My interest would be in some form of cybernetic enhancement.

An eye that was also a laser that could cut through steel, concrete and glass for example. Or perhaps fingers that could morph into useful tools like Allen Keys and Phillips’ head screwdrivers before snapping back into original digital form.

The number one modification that would probably improve the quality of my life would be a back-up brain, where I could escape to and surf the web, while some state of the art Tivo recorded the boring conversation that I was missing. Like when I visit Howard, my accountant, I could “slip out the back” and look up “The Diet of Worms” in the Wikipedia, while he explains why my parking infringements in the Town of Vincent are not tax deductable.

Then in the evening, I could FFWD through the dull bits, note the salient points and get on with my life.

Although you know what? I probably wouldn’t bother to revise what my back-up brain had recorded. Recordings would be mislabelled. Or not labelled at all. Before long I would have a massive backlog of information that I couldn’t be stuffed checking up.

My life would end up as a series of unwatched home movies.

I just can’t trust myself to do my homework.

Elevate the Insignificant

Mr Trivia

Domestic Blindness

Zeitgeisters,

Domestic Blindness, like it’s better known cousin Colour Blindness, is a genetic condition affecting more men than women. And guys, between us for just a second, I know that it’s easier to ask mum/girlfriend/wife where something is, than doing it for ourselves, but I think there’s a point where it’s no longer age-appropriate.

That point is any time after your 30th birthday. However, there is a simple cure that I developed several years ago when I first lived on my own. Having come from a co-habitation scenario where I regularly and hilariously said, “Honey, do you know where the _____ is,” I now found myself with no one of whom to ask this question.

So instead, I took my Domestic Blindness into the workplace and regularly needed assistance in finding things I had misplaced. Naturally I abided by state and national laws and didn’t use the endearment “honey”. But the principle was the same.

What I discovered was that within thirty seconds of a female co-worker saying something along the lines of, “I don’t know, where did you last see it?” or sometimes, “Don’t bother me f___ker I’ve got to finish this report,” invariably the missing item would turn up.

Suddenly I was ignited by the scientific curiosity that led our species to the light-bulb, the atom bomb and Post-It notes. I wondered, what if, instead of asking the question, I didn’t say anything and kept searching for another thirty seconds?

The results were astounding. If something was missing – a calculator, a stapler, a donor organ - that “helpless and lazy” part of my brain would light up, the question would form, but I uttered not a sound and continued searching. Nine out of ten times the missing item would be found within half a minute.

Now, this won’t suit every guy, but surely we don’t want to be a hapless Darren Stevens-type sitcom schmo who doesn’t know how to find his arse with both hands. Think Rick Moranis in…well, any movie he’s ever made.

And if it’s any consolation, we can start doing it again when we’re living in the Shady Acres Aged-Care facility. “Honey, do you know where my high-pants are?”

Elevate the Insignificant

Mr Trivia

Shameless Cross Promotion

So now that you're here, Zeitgesiters, why not suss out the other excellent blogs in the Mr Trivia family? I refer in particular to Ask Mr Trivia. It's the blog where you can ask advice from a semi-fictional character with a pseudonym. Now there's a basis for trust.

Here's an example of the stirling work I do.


Hi Mr Trivia,
I am a 40 year old man working in the hospitality industry.
Four weeks ago I broke up with my girlfriend of five years.
I have spent the intervening time feeling angry, rejected,
sad and stupid. The last straw came today.

I pulled a sickie and just lay on the couch knocking back scotch and watching daytime television. I saw this little robot Lemsip packet in the new Lemsip Max commercial and started crying. Then I saw a baby panda on an ABC promo and I cried even more.

Finally I saw an episode of Stargate - and Claudia Black from Farscape guest starred - and I found myself VERY attracted to her. Let me stress, that Farscape and Stargate are pieces of crap as far as I'm concerned, and although Miss Black is undoutedly attractive, the crapness of these shows would, in normal circumstances, lead me to flip the channel.

What the heck is wrong with me?

Nate Kevlar,
Darwin, N.T.
AUSTRALIA


Hi Nate,
I'm afraid this one is all too easy. You are clucky. And if I were to hazard a guess, I would say that Claudia Black reminds you in some way of your girlfriend. What you do with these brilliant insights is, of course, your business.

Good luck with whichever course you choose.

Mr Trivia

Toadying Lickspittles

Hi Zeitgeisters,

This is not a political blog. Astute readers will have surmised I'm a bit of a lefty, but this blog is about pop culture and personal observations. So just a brief detour today, promise.

Note my lovely photo-shopped image of Australian Prime Minister John Howard. He has been in the news over the last two days because the media have a whiff of a Federal Liberal leadership challenge. The Treasurer Peter Costello believes he had made a deal with the PM for a "smooth transition" and that it is time for the PM to make good. Fine. Whatever.

Sure, the sense of entitlement in this set-up leaves me a little queasy, but nothing produced an outright sense of nausea until today.

This event occurred outside the PM's place. He was returning from his daily walk and a couple of people had turned up to display a banner that said something like: We "Heart" John Howard. One of these folks even shouted "John Howard Forever" in support of the PM.

While it is this man's absolute democratic right to say this in public, I am left with the question, "What kind of d__khead shouts their support for the incumbent leader of the government?" Why would anyone in any democratic state do this unless unusual circumstances warranted it?

And by unusual, I mean something along these lines: there's an Earthquake; a recession; vicious extraterrestrials arrive and begin draining the populace of vital fluids...but then, with brilliant stewardship, leadership and administrative know-how, the Leader saves us all!

Then a banner would be the least we could do.

But short of this, why do some people insist on extraordinary support for politicians? Our elected representatives are people who have successfully pursued, and now excercise power and whose big salaries come from our taxes. They already have what they want.

Seriously, why encourage these f__kers?

Mr Trivia

Celebrating AFHVS

And Zeitgeisters, if you don’t know what AFHVS stands for, you’ll be stunned to discover it means Australia’s Funniest Home Video Show (Nine Network).

And yes. AFHVS is mediocre, mainstream, middle-of-the-road and vanilla. Or is it? (I learnt that little technique in high school debating.)

No, it’s actually bold, ground-breaking and revolutionary. “And why the hell is that. Mr Trivia?” I hear you ask.

Let us rewind to a recent Saturday. Witness the following: video-tape of a middle-aged couple sitting on a porch swing. Naturally, they swing back and forth. And like everyone else, I was thinking, yep, them chains is gonna bust and them two is gonna end up on th’floor! (Sorry , I’ve been watching the The Andy Griffith Show on Access 31). However, totally against all expectations, a dog leapt up and one of the couple fell out of the swing!

That chain was supposed to break! After fifteen years of AFHVS there was nothing else that the chain could do, but break. It was a certainty as solid as Gibraltar - but it didn’t happen. And with its non-happening, I caught a glimpse at a future, a revolution if you will, where other things might not happen.

Imagine a future where some dufus will not employ fishing line to make his pet appear to lip-synching a 1970s rock classic like Bohemian Rhapsody; a fat, drunken man at a wedding will not try to dip his dance partner too far and she won’t accidentally crash to the ground under his weight; a little kid will not swing for a t-ball, miss, and accidentally hit his father in the genitals.

But there’s a little more, Zeitgeisters, bear with me. Revolution is also a-brewing in the form of the current host of AFHVS, Toni Pearen. My partner, Miss Raspberry Beret, wrongly believes that I fancy Toni. This is because I have gushed, severally, about the job Toni is doing. Or the job she’s not doing (See what I did there?)

When Miss Pearen took over in 2003, I was simply glad that she wasn’t her squeaky-voiced predecessor, Kim Kilbey. But since then, Toni has carved a unique groove.

No matter how huge the prize, how lame the pun or how allegedly hilarious the upcoming video is, Toni never seems fully engaged in the task at hand. Toni P. reads that auto-cue, smiles, looks winsome and yet doesn’t appear particularly excited or even interested in the mirthful antics or the winning videos.

Who does that? Network 7 and 9 are chock-full of lifestyle shows with presenters who can feign enthusiasm and display pseudo-happiness at the drop of a pay cheque.

I’m telling you, folks, she’s the Che Guevara of light entertainment.

Elevate the Insignificant!

Mr Trivia