Cross Media

Zeitgeisters,

I’ve just read a New Idea online interview with Desperate Housewives star Marcia Cross (Marcia Cross: I Am Messy And I Don’t Cook). She plays the character of Bree on the show (as if you didn’t know). I found the questions lame and I felt her answers reflected their lameiousness.

So, using paranormal forces that I barely understand, I have decided to redo this interview, whilst performing a quasi-channeling of Ms Cross. Together, in a Star Trekkian Mr Trivia/Marcia Cross mind-meld, I believe that we can deliver a more satisfactory result than you’ll find at this link.
Read on, friends.

How do you like your TV home?

It’s pretty cool for a rental in Perth. A bedroom. A carpet of indeterminate colour. And some shockingly poor motel art on the wall. I’ve just had a rent increase and it’s still relatively cheap. There’s a minerals boom, apparently.

What's your own home in LA like?

Don’t have one, thanks. If I find Perth expensive, then I guess that Los Angeles is out of my price range, at least until the end of 2008. My place in South Perth is somewhat messy at times, so I’m nothing like that neat freak, Bree!

Sounds like the opposite of Bree.

Yeah. Said that. Move on.

How much of Bree is in you?

Not a great deal. I like to leave all my quirky mannerisms on the set. The only part where we overlap is where she and I are curmudgeonly Gen X-ers who blog about Pop Culture.

What kind of reactions do you get about your character?

Very muted, actually. I was 50 cents short on a purchase of Delaware potatoes at the green grocer’s and so I said to the guy, “Look, I’m Mr Trivia and I also play Bree Van De Kamp on worldwide smash-hit television soap Desperate Housewives.” He told me to get the f**k out of his store. But the manager stopped me on the way out and asked me what Eva (Longoria) was like.

Did you always want to play Bree?

No, originally I wanted to be the third XXX in the XXX action series. You know Vin Diesel was first, then Ice Cube. But my manager Phil Jeng Kane said I didn’t test well as a potential action hero with my audience. Apparently they see more as a blogger.

What don't you like about Bree?

Nothing I think she’s awesome in a stifling kind of way.

Why is the series so successful?

Not entirely sure. Is it Sex and the City for the less discerning? - no that’s Cashmere Mafia. I think for people who like their drama punctuated by a noisy and obvious score, then our show is a home run every time.

Do you socialise with any of the other women on the show?

No. But I do occasionally play golf with James Denton. Awesome dude, by the way.

What do you do in your spare time?

Scrap booking and decoupage.

How do you care for your skin?

Lots of water, plenty of sleep, I’ve been a vegan since I was 12 and I got a big tub of that Agirilene crap that Victoria Principal schills for on her infomercial..

Do you have a special diet?

See above, Joyce. Let’s move on.

Where did you grow up?

In Perth, Western Australia. A beautiful city by the sea. And at night, it goes off. Apparently they’re having a minerals boom or something.

Is your schedule busy?

Schyeah! What do you think? Grab a clue.

How do you stay balanced?

Karate, Judo, Aikido. Tai-Bo, Pilates, Dancercise, Spinning classes and target practice. Oh and Nicolette (Sheridan) and I have a side project band with Michael Bolton called The Beatles. And yeah, it is the same name as The Beatles, but apparently under Californian Law we can use the name. Who knew?

What would you do if you weren't an actress?

I'd be an entertainment industry lawyer or I’d probably be a Transformer called Empathicon. I watched The Transformers movie with my kids and I think that’s what they lacked.Epathicon could counsel the other Transformers. It would rock.

Do your co-stars ask for advice?
Yeah. Recipes, how to have people iced so it looks like its natural. The whole schmear.

Elevate the Insignificant,

Mr Trivia

Stand-Up Guy

Zeitgeisters,

You know we love breakfast television. And you know we love Channel 9. So the tribulations of the Australian TODAY SHOW over the last few years hath sorely troubled us, here at The Tract.

Back in 2005 when TODAY tumbled from the top spot after a challenge from Channel 7s SUNRISE program (hosted by the inimitable Kochie and Mel), the Channel 9’s TODAY went through a number of changes. Long-time male co-anchor Steve ‘Liebo’ Liebmann was given the bullet and female co-anchor Tracy Grimshaw was teamed with Karl Stefanovic.

Mr Stefanovic is a man who clearly has a strong following among the powers-that-be at Nine because in all subsequent tinkering with the TODAY format, he has remained firmly in his co-host’s chair.

Grimshaw was replaced at great expense with the controversial Jessica Rowe. Her stint was short lived and controversial. Apparently Australia didn’t like her (but clearly loved Karl). Rowe went on maternity leave and amongst the tryouts for her seat were Sarah Murdoch and Kellie Connolly. Eventually Lisa Wilkinson was poached from Network 7 and has had the female co-host job since the middle of 2007.

And Karl has remained through this time of tumult. He is above the fray. Despite the efforts of some – like Tony Martin from the former GET THIS radio program - who wish to bring him down by comparing him with a robot, an android or cyborg – Karl is with us as steadfastly as death or taxes.

I woke this morning to be greeted by some vintage Stefanovic. He had put together a piece which poked cheeky fun at a piece of vision showing our Prime Minister Kevin Rudd speaking in Mandarin. This is well-known here in Oz as one of his talents. The mock translation at the bottom of the screen had some cool, right-on satirical gags about Nine Network personalities and similar edgy material.

Just as I was thinking - Didn’t the Chaser guys do something like this last year? - we cut back to the studio where I and the rest of Australia was witness to the following disturbing exchange between the TODAY Hosts.

LISA:
You’ve done a bit of a Chaser there. I think you’ve become their 7th member.

CARL:
I don’t like those guys. They’re lame and not funny.

LISA
Well, I do.

CARL:
It doesn’t matter, they’ll still have a go (at you).

LISA
I think you’ve just given them a reason.

Okay, I wasn’t long awake and so I can’t claim the above as a verbatim transcript. I believe I have the gist, though. As you can see, Wikinson, in an unprovoked attack, more or less accuses Stefanovic of plagiarism (albeit ‘lightheartedly'). Steffa – or Karlo or whatever his footy name is, defends himself in style by pointing out that the Chaser guys are ‘lame” and “not funny” .

Okay, if one views the event in an uncharitable light, he took an idea that had already been used by the satirists at The Chaser, did an imitation of it and then dissed the originators of that gag. But I think in a court of law it is clear that a successful presenter on a commercial free-to-air television news program has greater credibility than a bunch of aging ex-uni types on the Communist ABC. Even when he is poaching on their territory.

Well played Mr Stefanovic. Keep it real Network Nine.

Elevate the Insignificant

Mr Trivia