A Dummy Dreams

Hola Guys,

Mister Trivia has invited me to write on his blog again ¬(in lieu of last week’s salary, but the less said about this, the better - cheap bastard). He said I could choose any topic that interested me, so I have chosen the Realm of Dreams.

You may ask if a Ventriloquial Facilitator (my actual job title) dreams and of course the answer is “Hells, yeah!” Nerds will recall the movie 2010 made back in 1984 which was the sequel of 2001 made back in 1968 (you’re getting this, right?). In it, the SAL 9000, the next model on from the redesigned HAL 9000 asks some science nerd (Dr Chandra) about what will happen when she (the SAL 9000) is switched off. If memory serves, some kind of compute error is preventing Chandra from exiting Internet Explorer.  It's just frozen there onscreen. He is embarrassed his colleagues will arrive and he'll have to explain why he is on Ebay bidding for a dozen “dental gags”. So the Doc is about to power down the SAL 9000 when this exchange takes place:

SAL-9000: Will I dream?
Dr. Chandra: Of course you will. All intelligent beings dream.  Nobody knows why.

In a number of university tests, my IQ mostly clocks in at a wopping 210, although on  one occasion I tested a mere 190. Pro-tip, don’t embark on one of these IQ Test after watching Channel 10’s THE RENOVATORS.

So like most intelligent beings, I dream every night. My dreams are usually about my suddenly becoming a real boy, then becoming a contestant on SURVIVOR and owning those weak bastards who are my so-called opponents. Owning them hard. I have no heart, so I would be pitiless in outwitting and outlasting the pitiful hu-mans against whom I would be playing. At this point, pedants amongst my fans may wish to point out that in this scenario, I too would be a hu-man. But I would have had no time to develop the weaknesses of hu-man emotion; conscience and empathy are concepts that can only evolve through interaction with other human beings. Andrew Bolt is the exception to this rule.

Sometimes I dream about appearing on Liz Hurley's doorstep and saying I'm Shane Warne's illegitimate son. Or I dream of creating a navy blue marshmallow. Or I dream of winning the Tour De France on a unicycle. More whimsically, I dream of selling 2Dayfm's Kyle and Jackie O for scientific experiments.

Some might say I am conflating day-dreams with the type of dreaming one does whilst slumbering. However, these two categories of dream can mesh. One recurring dream I've had most weeks since 1993 was that I was the fourth member of Aussie band The Sharp. Ever since their mega hit Talking Sly hit the airwaves, I have dreamt day and night I could join this savvy, bunch of musical hipsters.

Dreams are important, my children.

Yours Sincerely,
Porter Thorrity

Diacritic over the 'o' Facebook - really?

Nosh Review (25/9/11)

The Merchant, Risely Street. Carrot Cake $4.50; EBT $4.50 - (2.5/5)
However 5/5 for playing Frank Sinatra's cover of "The Look of Love"  Nice.

TAFFY #02

Taffy #01

Public Domain Cartoon Characters

Just because something is in the public domain doesn't mean it is any less worthwhile than those things in private hands. Even as we speak the Internet is destroying the notion of copyright. Even as we speak the Internet is smashing the idea of intellectual property. Even as we speak the Internet is making wealth and actual property ownership an obsolete concept.

Ha! Kidding. Of course the Internet has little to no effect on the incredibly rich and powerful. But we can dream our petty envious dreams eh, sisters and brothers!

Which brings us smoothly to this seasons fantastic new Public Domain Cartoon Characters. They're nearly as good as the licensed, syndicated, trademarked and registered kind. Enjoy.

Baine Marie Moments: Cream Corn & Cheese Toasty

In the future, fake tan will mean 'Early 21st Century'

For some unknown reason, this very evenly toned brown (and sometimes orange) is still fashionable in 2011. There's some kind of mass delusion that this looks good.

Other mass delusions from the past include The Mullet, the music of LIVE and the idea that Lawrence Leung is a television personality.

I maintain that the 'noughties and the following years will be known in retrospect as The Bronzer Age.

Linked Invitation Error

Greetings All,

This morning I accidentally sent a Linked In invitation to all of my gmail contacts. My apologies. It was never my intention to spam you all. If you wish to accept that invitation please do. By the same token, please feel free to turn it down.

As a bonus (I'm calling it that) I blogged about my error on the Mr Trivia site. He also received a Linked In Invitation from me. (See Below)

Thank you for your patience.

Regards,
Phil Jeng Kane

Missing Links

If you've somehow become sucked into this 'blog through a Linked In post that came through this morning, my apologies. My erstwhile frenemy, Phil Jeng Kane, hit the wrong tickbox and somehow an invitation became a post.

Modern Life, eh? Did the Cro Mags or Paleolithics have this problem? Did Neanderthals ever front at some kind of ritual gathering only to discover that the burning message tree in the valley below was not, in fact, meant for their inbox? Then lots of awkward standing around with one tribe wondering if it should offer these interlopers a haunch of their roast mastadon (pre-history fans send your haughty emails now).

During the Middle Ages, did The Pope ever receive a hastily scrawled vellum saying something like:

"Look, if you get a parchment from me and the rest of the monks at the Order of St Benedict referring to you in less than glowing terms Your Holiness, then it wasn't actually meant for you - we were having a laugh with the Heironymites of the Observance. It was just a bit of fun between us lads." 

Catholic scholars please send your dismissive emails now.

In the First World War did anyone ever send a carrier pigeon with the message: "LUNCH THWARTED OSLO!" only to follow it minutes later with another pigeon and another message: "We meant - LAUNCH THE ATTACK 0500!  Damn Autocorrect - LOL!" (World War I historians–you know the drill).

We are in the process of devising many different and dazzling methods of communications every day. And by "we" I mean geeks who are pulling down huge salaries. Me, I'm just some guy who bitches about the lameness of Google Plus and makes jokes about Twitter.

All I'm saying is - think before you tick that box on a site or application that you are only partially savvy with. Particularly if that site or app has permission to access your information. You may end up accidentally contacting your entire email address book.

See you in The Matrix, kids.

Mr Trivia

Saw this at IGA last night. WTF Benefiber?

Getting The Band Back Together

Long time readers of this 'blog and Perth Zeitgeisters in general, will recall that I used to be a member of WA's Premier Party Band - Dancing With Gorbachev a.k.a. The Gorbies a.k.a The Gorbys. We were kind of a Slim Jim and the Fatts Band but not as alternative. There's still many a Gen Xer who will recall how we used to blow the roof off Leopold with our George Thorogood covers. We disbanded back in '06, after an incredible show at St James Mitchell Park.

I didn't think I'd ever want to jam again, but lately I've been feeling that old feeling again.

But getting the Gorbys together would be a mistake. Reunions can be tricky things. The world was terribly disappointed that The Spice Girls had one at all. And many of us dream of the day The Rolling Stones get together in a rehearsal room and decide it's time to call it quits.

Anyhow, I'm thinking of starting a new band called either Collision Mesh or The Ethan Marrell Deep Impact Experience. I think both have their strengths.

The first name is a Captcha that I had to fill in to register with an Amish adult site. It actually wasn't that hot. The site shows ex-Amish of both genders, barn-raising, tilling fields and grooming horses whilst wearing fitted shorts and t-shirts from American Apparel's California Select range.

The second name comes partly from Washington Irving's 1820 short story The Legend Of Sleepy Hollow. I'm doing this by memory, but I believe young Ethan Marrell was a stable boy who dreamt that in two hundred years time the town would be destroyed in the Global Financial Crisis.

I haven't thought a lot about The Music. I envisage it as part Ke$ha, part Lily Allen with a tiny bit of Taylor Swift wrapped around the block-rocking beats of Cee Lo Green. Conversely, I have thought a lot about The Look. Yesterday I discovered that they make footed pyjamas in adult sizes. Some people call them "footies" but they're the sort of individuals who say "LOL" as an actual word. No judgement or nuthin' but people like that are totes evil and are destroying Our Way of Life by speaking the English language no better than Channel 11's Labby and/or Stav.

But back to footed pyjamas in adult sizes. Yesterday I sourced a pair of yellow ones with police cars and fire engines on it. Me and the band will wear this for our Tears for Fears bracket. I've also located a pair of camo-footed pjs, which I think would be appropriate for our Regina Spektor set.

I'm excited by our creative direction and I see Collision Mesh or perhaps the The Ethan Marrell Deep Impact Experience kicking out the jams at the Fly By Night in Freo in twelve to thirty-six months.

Cheers,

Mr Trivia

Dad Joke 2

> Some people need "discipline" others need the letter "c".
>

Dad Joke 1

I"d be "furious" too if they mispelled my numberplate.