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I’ve just read a New Idea online interview with Desperate Housewives star Marcia Cross (Marcia Cross: I Am Messy And I Don’t Cook). She plays the character of Bree on the show (as if you didn’t know). I found the questions lame and I felt her answers reflected their lameiousness.

So, using paranormal forces that I barely understand, I have decided to redo this interview, whilst performing a quasi-channeling of Ms Cross. Together, in a Star Trekkian Mr Trivia/Marcia Cross mind-meld, I believe that we can deliver a more satisfactory result than you’ll find at this link.
Read on, friends.

How do you like your TV home?

It’s pretty cool for a rental in Perth. A bedroom. A carpet of indeterminate colour. And some shockingly poor motel art on the wall. I’ve just had a rent increase and it’s still relatively cheap. There’s a minerals boom, apparently.

What's your own home in LA like?

Don’t have one, thanks. If I find Perth expensive, then I guess that Los Angeles is out of my price range, at least until the end of 2008. My place in South Perth is somewhat messy at times, so I’m nothing like that neat freak, Bree!

Sounds like the opposite of Bree.

Yeah. Said that. Move on.

How much of Bree is in you?

Not a great deal. I like to leave all my quirky mannerisms on the set. The only part where we overlap is where she and I are curmudgeonly Gen X-ers who blog about Pop Culture.

What kind of reactions do you get about your character?

Very muted, actually. I was 50 cents short on a purchase of Delaware potatoes at the green grocer’s and so I said to the guy, “Look, I’m Mr Trivia and I also play Bree Van De Kamp on worldwide smash-hit television soap Desperate Housewives.” He told me to get the f**k out of his store. But the manager stopped me on the way out and asked me what Eva (Longoria) was like.

Did you always want to play Bree?

No, originally I wanted to be the third XXX in the XXX action series. You know Vin Diesel was first, then Ice Cube. But my manager Phil Jeng Kane said I didn’t test well as a potential action hero with my audience. Apparently they see more as a blogger.

What don't you like about Bree?

Nothing I think she’s awesome in a stifling kind of way.

Why is the series so successful?

Not entirely sure. Is it Sex and the City for the less discerning? - no that’s Cashmere Mafia. I think for people who like their drama punctuated by a noisy and obvious score, then our show is a home run every time.

Do you socialise with any of the other women on the show?

No. But I do occasionally play golf with James Denton. Awesome dude, by the way.

What do you do in your spare time?

Scrap booking and decoupage.

How do you care for your skin?

Lots of water, plenty of sleep, I’ve been a vegan since I was 12 and I got a big tub of that Agirilene crap that Victoria Principal schills for on her infomercial..

Do you have a special diet?

See above, Joyce. Let’s move on.

Where did you grow up?

In Perth, Western Australia. A beautiful city by the sea. And at night, it goes off. Apparently they’re having a minerals boom or something.

Is your schedule busy?

Schyeah! What do you think? Grab a clue.

How do you stay balanced?

Karate, Judo, Aikido. Tai-Bo, Pilates, Dancercise, Spinning classes and target practice. Oh and Nicolette (Sheridan) and I have a side project band with Michael Bolton called The Beatles. And yeah, it is the same name as The Beatles, but apparently under Californian Law we can use the name. Who knew?

What would you do if you weren't an actress?

I'd be an entertainment industry lawyer or I’d probably be a Transformer called Empathicon. I watched The Transformers movie with my kids and I think that’s what they lacked.Epathicon could counsel the other Transformers. It would rock.

Do your co-stars ask for advice?
Yeah. Recipes, how to have people iced so it looks like its natural. The whole schmear.

Elevate the Insignificant,

Mr Trivia


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