Porter Reports

Hola Guys,

Mr Trivia, said I could write a little sumpthin’ in this space ‘cos it’s comin’ up to Christmas and all!

I think it’s super-keen and neat how he lets me do stuff that doesn’t cost him nothin’ in time or money! Like when we go to the store he let’s me sit on those little rides – you know the ones made of fibreglass like a little police-car or maybe a horse or sumpthin’. You put a coin in and it moves.

Only Mr Trivia never puts in no money. So I sez, “Why no money in the kiddie ride you cheap bastard?” And he says, “A wooden boy on a plastic horse can only truly seek stillness.” I don’t really get it, but it sounds kinda profound. He says a lot of things like that because he went to hi-falutin’ University back in the 1980s.

Not that I had time for higher education. I was an advertising copywriter in 1985. I also had something to do with inventing that little cord you could buy to hold your sunglasses around your neck. It was my idea to make it day-glo.

And for a while I had jobs in kids telly. I was a writer on MULLIGRUBS for a year, then I got promoted to make-up department on WOMBAT – it was me who gave the Blakeney twins their distinctive ‘look’. Then I went over to CARTOON CONNECTION where I was Agro’s fluffer for two years. This mostly involved keeping his cheap brand of synthetic fur dry and static free.

One of the great lessons I learned on kids telly is that power corrupts and absolute power corrupts absolutely. I hope Picasso, Eco, Nitro and the other one remember that when things get tough on Channel Nine’s The Shak.

Merry Christmas Gang!

Porter Thorrity